On the Wrong Planet

Superman Returns (2006)

The original SUPERMAN and SUPERMAN II films of 1978 and 1980 were spectacular at the time for their special effects and heralded the Super Hero genre. Superman Returns (2006) updates the brand to our modern expectations of production quality, but is disjoint from the sequence. Events in Superman III and Superman IV are ignored and my disbelief received little encouragement to be suspended from the arrival of flat screen TVs and mobile phones only a few years after we had been in the 1930’s comic book world of Metropolis. Brandon Routh was cast, I suspect, for his likeness to Christopher Reeve rather than for any charisma although Kate Bosworth fared well as a chirpy Lois Lane. In all perfectly serviceable cinema but it only reminds me of the original series rather than adding to it. No surprise, then that that Warner Bros. have the Superman franchise on hold.

Seek confidentiality or you will not get it

“Where confidentiality is sought it is always given – unconditionally” – so says the home page of Christine Pratt’s web site for the National Bullying Helpline. I wonder if the “three or four” callers from No 10, of whom Christine Pratt speaks took the trouble to “seek confidentiality.” They certainly did not get it. How many staff are there in No 10 and how many of those might have made such a call. It is no wonder that Professor Cary Cooper, Ann Widdecombe and two other patrons have resigned. The charity has apparently “resumed service”, but I cannot see how it can continue whilst Mrs Pratt continues to be associated with it. Now that it emerges you are late filing your accounts at the Charity Commission, and you were alleged by Jane McGrath to be only ‘offering her “independent investigation services” at a considerable fee to my employer’, I think it is time for you to find another way of earning your living, Mrs Pratt.

Do we get the journalism we deserve?

“The day the immigrants left” (BBC1, Feb 24^th 2010, 9:00 p.m.) is fascinating on several levels, but so excruciating that I could not watch it to the end. Where does the concept for a documentary like this come from and why do so many people want to watch it?

Let me take you back to the first production meeting. “What we need must appeal to all political strains: the right wing middle class need to see the workshy British reveal the attitudes that ensure they never hold down a job; right wing workers can relate to the BNP arguments voiced by the workshy; the socialists can grieve over the dilemma that the influx of immigrant workers creates and the would-be TV stars can relate to the workshy no-bodies getting their break on national TV.”

‘So what is the concept?’

‘We go to a town in the UK where there are lots of low wage jobs, a high immigrant population and high unemployment. Then we persuade some of the local employers to lay off some of their immigrant workers for a few days; put in some of the indigenous unemployed in their place; let the cameras role.’

‘But how are we going to recruit the workshy British to be on the program? What do we do when they realise we are humiliating them and they don’t turn up on set?’

‘That’s easy; we’ll just pretend that they didn’t turn up for the jobs. They probably don’t turn up for new jobs anyway, most of the time.’

I’m sorry, but there are both workshy and diligent people the world over. So of course pitting the most determined workers from Eastern Europe against the most pitiable you might hope to find amongst the UKs indigenous population never was a fair competition. Actually, it’s a blood sport. Not like cock fighting, where both sides are equal; more like fox hunting. And how we love a good blood sport!

Let’s just remember that the migrant workers in Wisbech are people who have had the foresight and determination to make a new life for themselves in a wealthier economy than theirs. They are also most probably the most skilled and conscientious at what they do from their background. They have crossed Germany and France to be here, countries incidentally that deny the people from the EU’s new Accession states the right to work. If everyone in their own countries were like them, their economy would be stronger and they would not need to move.

Getting the many without jobs in the UK back into work is obviously a major problem. These days we shy away from concepts like “work ethic.” Many would say that the benefit system is less a safety net and more the cause of unemployment. But does journalism of this nature do anything to promote a UK work ethic, to help those struggling back into work? Does it help promote pride in being British, whatever your ethnic origins. No, its just cruel exploitation of gullible unemployed for our entertainment. Shame on you BBC!

Secrecy for Success

War has always been as much about propaganda as it has about fighting. In the end, success is only achieved when you have won the hearts and minds of the vast majority on both sides. We are continuing to engage in a war in Afghanistan, a country that has been in continuous civil war since the late 1970s. This war started with Operation Enduring Freedom, a campaign to destroy the Al-Qaeda terrorist training camps inside Afghanistan, following the September 11^th US attacks in 2001. The Taliban government refused George W Bush’s demand to turn over all resident Al-Qaeda members to the US and close all the terrorist training camps. Let us remember that the Taliban were overthrown in 2001 and a democratic government led by Hamid Karzi put in place. The freely elected National Assembly of Islamic Republic of Afghanistan includes women as voters, candidates and elected members. We have come a long way.

Afghanistan is a poor country, plagued with landmines, a massive illegal poppy cultivation and opium trade and new to the concept of democracy. The Western troops are now faced with an increasing Taliban presence, fighting back at the changes we have brought about. They continue to see a threat from the few remaining elements of Al-Qaeda. Recently, attacks on our troops have seen many casualties from road side bombs. This is very regrettable, but there is still a job to be done. If Western support was withdrawn at this stage, it would have only one consequence. All the bloodshed and sacrifice needed to achieve the toehold of democracy established in Afghanistan would be in vain.

Frank Skinner writes (in the Times): “It’s not just about helicopters and the right kind of armoured car, is it? The problem is that we, as a nation, can’t really do war any more.” Our democratically elected government acting on our behalf embarked on this war. The least we can do is support them in the propaganda war that surrounds the whole affair. What I find almost unbelievable is why senior military personnel express publically any view on the adequacy of our helicopters and armoured cars. To question our capability is to question our ability to continue in Afghanistan, when popular opinion has withdrawal on the agenda. Whatever happened to secrecy and any awareness of the propaganda war involved here. Sitting in my Al-Qaeda bunker at the edge of my Taliban supported terrorist training camp, I am greatly encouraged to browse the internet via my satellite link and learn that Sir Jock Stirrup and Sir Richard Dannatt both find our helicopter fleet inadequate. Why do we even see reports on the success of the roadside bombs – surely that information itself should be kept secret.

Contrast this with another age: The Enigma code-breakers of Bletchley Park are finally to be honoured with commemorative badges. Crucial to our success in World War II and the continued establishment of democracy in Europe, this was an operation which depended on absolute secrecy. Indeed the identities of those involved have been kept secret for all this time. There is a lesson to learn there, it seems to me.

Security Barclaycard Style

Trust is a fragile thing. I count myself as fortunate not to have knowingly been defrauded on the internet, but from all that I hear it is only a matter of time before it is my turn. Extra transactions on my credit card statement, a large transfer out of my current account or a complete identity theft. The spectrum of possibilities makes one edgy to say the least.

I am always aware of the dangers and whenever I do an on-line purchase, I pride myself that I might know enough about the methods of internet fraudsters not to be easily caught out. Today I was making an on-line purchase at work, using my company credit card. The personal risk is somewhat less, I suppose, but this did not make me any less wary. Having entered the card details and clicked the confirm button there was a very brief display saying transaction confirmed, or words to that effect, then the whole browser window was taken up by a “Verified by Visa” page (see below). So now I am being asked to enter my credit card details again, into what looks like a pop-up window. And this is for my own security? How am supposed to know if this is genuine or not? Why would they ask for the credit card details again?

So either this is a scam or, it seems to me that Barclaycard have got it very wrong!

The Darling Buds may not

Alistair Darling is to offer guarantees of up to £600 billion to RBS and Lloyds Banking Group. He is asking them to lend out £40B to re-start the economy. Now let me get this right. UK GDP = £2800B, so that is more than a fifth of our gross domestic product that the Chancellor is gambling on our two biggest banks. To put it another way, that is nearly £10,000 for every man, woman and child in the UK. Hmmmm!

All this to promote the new buds of economic growth.

Welcome Communism

In a mixed economy such as the UK or the USA, there are laws, such as the UK Companies Acts (most recent 2006), which protect shareholders, limiting their liability provided a company is run according to certain rules. This legislation is designed to encourage the investment of capital in businesses so that they will thrive, creating employment, goods and services and wealth for the shareholders. This is the capitalist system. The stability of the system depends on a fine balance between risk and reward. The board of directors is appointed by the shareholders and is responsible for running each company. Shareholders risk their money, based on the information provided by the directors. Directors are responsible for filing company accounts annually and for ensuring that the company is trading legally at all times, usually this means having assets that are equal to or more than liabilities at any one moment in time. Assets include cash, capital investments such as property, stock, machinery. The money for these is raised by selling shares to shareholders or from the profits made by the business. If the business in which they invest does not succeed (i.e. at any time liabilities exceed assets) then shareholders stand to loose their investment, but, under company law they are protected from being pursued by creditors of the business, provided that the company ceases trading the moment it is no longer solvent.

Banking is not an ailing industry for the UK. It has been badly managed recently and it has taken risks beyond what is reasonable (alongside banks the world over). Whilst the banks may deserve to go bankrupt, it is not really in anyone’s interest to let this happen. It’s not the Government’s money being used, of course, but the UK tax payer’s money or money being borrowed on our behalf. Actually, the tax payer stands to gain when the banks are sold back to the private sector in a few years time.

Now that we are bailing out other industries, the risks may be higher to the tax payer. Giving the motor industry £2.3B may not save it and certainly won’t create a greener motor industry into the bargain. But what is now clear is that the threat that always hung over the shareholder, that he would loose all his money if the business he invested in failed, is no longer a threat. Fail and the government will bail you out.

Does this mean a turning point in the Western capitalist system? The work ethic, the motivation to succeed, may have dried up. The great criticism of communism was that motivation was poor. With no capitalist reward, under communism the state will always struggle to grow an economy, maybe even struggle to provide the basics for it population. Isn’t this where we are heading in a system that no longer punishes the investors of a failing business and therefore takes away a sizable part of the motivation?

Well, why not, madam

Italian waiters attend a special school. They are trained over many years. They know the correct procedure for handling any dish you care to mention, any cocktail or drink you can request. Entering the profession is never taken lightly. You may have to work under a true master for nearly all you working life before you can achieve the pinnacle of your dreams. When you are the head waiter of the Terrazza Brunelleschi, roof top restaurant of the Baglioni Hotel in Florence, you know all there is to know.
So when SWKB took it upon herself to specify how to make a pot of English tea, our dear host had the air of a Pope being told how to pray. “Could you please put the tea bag in the pot first?” He had obviously just bitten into a lemon, such was the expression on his face. “And then pour in hot water.” He backed away, as if near a fire that was too hot. There was a pause. Building in his head was a frantic desire to reinstate the correct order. He was the Pope, we were the humble pilgrims. How could she possibly imagine that she could teach him anything? But the years of training, and indeed the very reputation of the Terrazza Brunelleschi itself were at stake here. After a long pause came the classic reply: “Well, why not, madam,” uttered as if it clearly could make no possible difference to the outcome, but if madam wished to be humoured, then madam will be humoured. We were indeed served with a pot of tea in which the tea bag appeared to have been present before the water was added.
Needless to say the Terrazza Brunelleschi served impeccable food and generous helpings. The service was at the relaxed Italian pace that we had come to respect during our short time in Florence. Also of note are Ristorante Ciro and Sons (via del Giglio 28R), sporting a massive chandelier, family owned and run, extremely friendly in the way that only Italians can be. We were treated to a display of the children in their Halloween costumes whilst enjoying our lunch, at an outside table on the last day of October. Trattoria “Il Porcospino” (Piazza Madonna degli Aldobrandini) served superb Lobster, again in a friendly atmosphere.

Terrazza Brunelleschi

Don’t worry Papa

We arrive in Florence on Saturday and SWKB is anxious to go to mass, Saturday evening is her favourite time. It avoids messing up Sunday, for sure. At about 6:30 we arrive at the south east door of the Duomo, and find a mass in progress; strange since it was scheduled to start at 6:30. There are large TV screens including one outside in the Piazza del Duomo which show the proceedings. This looks like it is going to take a long time, so SWKB asks an official what is going on and reports back that the Pope is dead. There is a long sermon going on with occasional applause throughout the cathedral, but not much crying. This is a strange reaction for Italian Catholics on such an occasion; however, we go along with this explanation.
Back at the hotel, SWKB asks the receptionists if they know that the pope has died. No one is aware of this sad news. “Who told you this?” and “Were they speaking Italian?” Eventually, the comment was made: “don’t worry, we can make a new pope!”
It turns out that the occasion was the appointment of a new arch bishop, since the previous one has died some time ago.

Baptistry Door Panel

Innuendo Fruit

What is a Melon? A sweet soft fruit from certain members of the gourd family. Actually, the word derives from the Greek for gourd-apple: “melopepon”. It can also mean a colour (of melon flesh) or the visible upper portion of the head of a surfacing whale or dolphin or even any windfall of money to be divided among specified participants.

What about Melons? Oh dear. All of a sudden we have leapt to the world of Benny Hill and the “Yakety Sax” tune is ringing in our ears. Benny is chasing a half naked woman around in jerky fast motion. Or Barbara Windsor, displaying her ample melons is being ogled by Kenneth Williams and he is making a sound that only he could make.

There we go again. The word “ample” is high-jacked by such a specific use. There are so many words we must avoid unless we intend to exploit innuendo or euphemism. Take “cervical” for example. I know what you are thinking. It has to refer to the cervix of the uterus. But no; check out where your cervical vertebrae are?

Balls, ejaculate, erection, fag, gay, hump, intercourse, jerk, pendulous, penetration, petting, pussy, queer, rigid, rosebud, rubbers, scoring, sheaths, starfish…. So many words lost to reasonable use.

This type of innuendo relies on euphemism. Here we find an even richer seam to mine. Just take the euphemisms for death, as an example: passed away, passed on, checked out, bit the big one, kicked the bucket, bitten the dust, popped their clogs, pegged it, carked it, turned their toes up, bought the far, cashed in their chips, croaked, given up the ghost, gone south, shuffled off this mortal coil, Run down the curtain and joined the Choir Invisible, or assumed room temperature, checking out the grass from underneath or six feet under.

In fact, Dr. Bernard Nathanson has pointed out that the word “euthanasia” itself is a euphemism, being Greek for “good death”.

Pretty soon there will be nothing we can say that does not carry multiple meanings. If multiple meaning is the source of much humour, then perhaps the real danger is that we all die laughing.