On the Wrong Planet » absurdity

I’m afraid I did

Trevor Smith — Sat, 15 May 2010 04:01:01 +0000

This is that moment: when David Cameron admits to Nick Clegg that he did say “Nick Clegg” in reply to the question “What is your favourite joke?” Need I say more?

Standby Surprise

Trevor Smith — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 08:30:08 +0000

On the UK government “Act on CO2” website there is clear advice, which no one would disagree with: Don’t leave it on standby

“If everyone in the UK switched off unused appliances it would save £800 million a year. Leaving appliances plugged in and switched on at the socket means they’re still using energy – so turn TVs, games consoles and mobile phone chargers off at the mains to save yourself money.”

This is self evident advice and easy to implement. Why would any one question it? Turning something off that you don’t need will save energy and save the planet. But is it always true?

Here is a simple quiz question for all you energy gurus out there:

I go out for the evening and despite my usual vigilance I leave my phone charger switched on, my TV on standby, and (horror of horrors) an electric light on. The room is heated (it is winter) by an electric heater, which has a thermostat. So here is the question, does leaving the electrical devices on unnecessarily:

Use extra energy, contributing to my carbon footprint?
Make absolutely no difference to my energy consumption, but increase my carbon footprint?
Increase my energy consumption by the wattage of the devices left on, but make no difference to my carbon footprint?
Make no difference to either my energy consumption or my carbon footprint?
I need more information and need to thermally model your home and the insulation system on a computer before I can say.

So here is the surprise (for some people). If you want to be pedantic and very accurate, the answer is (5), but to a very close approximation, the answer is (4). The reason? Let me go over some very simple physics.

All these electrical devices convert the energy they use into heat (I’m assuming that the phone is not plugged into the charger so we are not converting any mains electrical energy into battery energy). Actually, conversion of electrical energy into heat energy happens at 100% efficiency for almost all electrical devices. The electric heater does the same. The thermostat on the heater does not know if the heat delivered to your room is from the heater or the other devices; it is all just heat. So whilst you are heating the room, the job of the thermostat is to maintain the room at a particular temperature. Everything else being equal, it will turn on the heater for slightly smaller periods of time to exactly compensate for the heat generated by the offending devices. The energy you use will be whatever is necessary to maintain the temperature difference between the outside and the chosen thermostat temperature inside. Which electrical device generates that heat does not matter. Obviously, thermal installation makes a massive difference and air flow from the outside through your room (a draft) is probably even more important. But the TV on standby makes no difference at all.

So why might answer (5) be important. We let us suppose that the phone charger is on the window sill, behind the curtains. It might then lose the heat it generates without contributing so much to the heating of the room. There would then be an argument for switching it off to save energy. I mention this only because there will be people who spot this and then claim that my argument is completely wrong. I will let you judge, on this.

Don’t be complacent if you are in a hot climate with air conditioning running. Unfortunately the physics works the other way around in this case. Because air conditioning uses more energy than it shifts, the extra devices in your home now get multiplied by the efficiency of the air conditioning. A TV on standby using five watts now needs, maybe, another 5 watts of air conditioning to keep the room at the same thermostatically controlled temperature. And this will increase both your energy costs and your carbon footprint.

Salinger’s Message Still Apposite

Trevor Smith — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 22:56:30 +0000

The death of J D Salinger (for some reason nobody calls him Jerome) on 27th January prompted me to read his one famous book, “The Catcher in the Rye,” again. This book “had the dubious distinction of being at once the most frequently censored book across the nation and the second-most frequently taught novel in public high schools” (Yardley, Jonathan (2004-10-19). “J.D. Salinger’s Holden Caulfield, Aging Gracelessly”. The Washington Post. Retrieved 2007-04-13.)
Holden Caulfield, 17, has been expelled from prestigious Pencey Prep and it is not the first time he has been expelled from a school. Action takes place over 48 hours starting when he decides to leave early, not wishing to face up to his parents’ inevitable rebukes. He travels to New York and checks into a hotel, near where he lives. His experiences, include contact with old girl friends, an encounter with a prostitute (he is unable to follow this through) and the rescuing hand of his younger sister Phoebe.
The language, uniquely for its time, is that of the disaffected youth, struggling to make sense of the world; alienated, defensive, cynical, immoral. Holden, in a touching conversation with his sister (chapter 22) confesses that all he wants to do is “catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff.” “I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all.”
With authentic turn of phrase, no censorship of profanities, his opinions, presented in a stream of consciousness, are cutting, shocking and depressing. When you realise that this young man, with life’s big puzzle yet to be solved, is simply telling you how it is for him, the world turns upside down, and you question the sanity of our culture and morals; the pretensions of the modern world; the expectations we try to live up to and mostly fail. Who is it who is having the nervous breakdown here. Is Holden’s treatment by “the one psychoanalyst guy” helping him or breaking him in.

Innuendo Fruit

Trevor Smith — Sun, 25 May 2008 22:37:21 +0000

What is a Melon? A sweet soft fruit from certain members of the gourd family. Actually, the word derives from the Greek for gourd-apple: “melopepon”. It can also mean a colour (of melon flesh) or the visible upper portion of the head of a surfacing whale or dolphin or even any windfall of money to be divided among specified participants.

What about Melons? Oh dear. All of a sudden we have leapt to the world of Benny Hill and the “Yakety Sax” tune is ringing in our ears. Benny is chasing a half naked woman around in jerky fast motion. Or Barbara Windsor, displaying her ample melons is being ogled by Kenneth Williams and he is making a sound that only he could make.

There we go again. The word “ample” is high-jacked by such a specific use. There are so many words we must avoid unless we intend to exploit innuendo or euphemism. Take “cervical” for example. I know what you are thinking. It has to refer to the cervix of the uterus. But no; check out where your cervical vertebrae are?

Balls, ejaculate, erection, fag, gay, hump, intercourse, jerk, pendulous, penetration, petting, pussy, queer, rigid, rosebud, rubbers, scoring, sheaths, starfish…. So many words lost to reasonable use.

This type of innuendo relies on euphemism. Here we find an even richer seam to mine. Just take the euphemisms for death, as an example: passed away, passed on, checked out, bit the big one, kicked the bucket, bitten the dust, popped their clogs, pegged it, carked it, turned their toes up, bought the far, cashed in their chips, croaked, given up the ghost, gone south, shuffled off this mortal coil, Run down the curtain and joined the Choir Invisible, or assumed room temperature, checking out the grass from underneath or six feet under.

In fact, Dr. Bernard Nathanson has pointed out that the word “euthanasia” itself is a euphemism, being Greek for “good death”.

Pretty soon there will be nothing we can say that does not carry multiple meanings. If multiple meaning is the source of much humour, then perhaps the real danger is that we all die laughing.