What is a Melon? A sweet soft fruit from certain members of the gourd family. Actually, the word derives from the Greek for gourd-apple: “melopepon”. It can also mean a colour (of melon flesh) or the visible upper portion of the head of a surfacing whale or dolphin or even any windfall of money to be divided among specified participants.

What about Melons? Oh dear. All of a sudden we have leapt to the world of Benny Hill and the “Yakety Sax” tune is ringing in our ears. Benny is chasing a half naked woman around in jerky fast motion. Or Barbara Windsor, displaying her ample melons is being ogled by Kenneth Williams and he is making a sound that only he could make.

There we go again. The word “ample” is high-jacked by such a specific use. There are so many words we must avoid unless we intend to exploit innuendo or euphemism. Take “cervical” for example. I know what you are thinking. It has to refer to the cervix of the uterus. But no; check out where your cervical vertebrae are?

Balls, ejaculate, erection, fag, gay, hump, intercourse, jerk, pendulous, penetration, petting, pussy, queer, rigid, rosebud, rubbers, scoring, sheaths, starfish…. So many words lost to reasonable use.

This type of innuendo relies on euphemism. Here we find an even richer seam to mine. Just take the euphemisms for death, as an example: passed away, passed on, checked out, bit the big one, kicked the bucket, bitten the dust, popped their clogs, pegged it, carked it, turned their toes up, bought the far, cashed in their chips, croaked, given up the ghost, gone south, shuffled off this mortal coil, Run down the curtain and joined the Choir Invisible, or assumed room temperature, checking out the grass from underneath or six feet under.

In fact, Dr. Bernard Nathanson has pointed out that the word “euthanasia” itself is a euphemism, being Greek for “good death”.

Pretty soon there will be nothing we can say that does not carry multiple meanings. If multiple meaning is the source of much humour, then perhaps the real danger is that we all die laughing.

Rumble strips warn you about something – right? Rumble strips are supposed to make you look around, see what it is, wake you up at the moment when it might be important. Rumble strips are there to deliver a simple message - beware!
You are just coming towards a pedestrian crossing! You are approaching a roundabout! This is where the 20 mph zone starts! Cyclists cross here!
So when you get a warning that there is a warning ahead, is this good or bad. Or does it just make more money for the vendors of street signs.
I can hear the street furniture vendor talking to the road safety committee of my local authority: “You should be aware that we sometimes get complaints when we fit rumble strips. The best way to minimize the risk from this is to warn people that there are rumble strips ahead. Other authorities we work for tell us that if they fit the rumble strip warning sign then at least when they get a complaint, they can say that the plaintiff was warned. Unfortunately, that will add another £2700 to your costs, but that is a small price to pay to prevent you being sued”
“I thought something awful was happening to the car, so I braked hard. I was concerned that I might otherwise loose control. I didn’t notice there was a juggernaut just behind me. The juggernaut driver was very understanding, but he still wrote my car off.”
Maybe, sir, you were too busy trying to work out what the “Rumble Strips 200m” sign might mean, or why there might be rumble strips ahead anyway.